I remember very well the dread and anxiety of going back to work postpartum once your maternity leave ends. So, when new moms ask if that’s normal, it’s a resounding “yes!!” from me.
I even recall breaking down, when I was six months pregnant, while we were touring daycares. I hadn’t even met my baby and I’m already thinking about who else will take care of her, I had thought to myself. Cue the beginning of mom guilt.
Yes, mama, it’s normal and healthy to have a lot of anxiety about the end of maternity leave (if you’re lucky to have it) and the postpartum period. The thoughts of going back to work or determining who will care for your child comes with lots of emotions.
With my first daughter, I had three months of maternity leave. My mom stayed with us for the first six months. We then hired a nanny for three months before placing our daughter in a home daycare in the neighborhood. Each transition was hard for me (though I didn’t have to worry about trusting the provider when she was with my mom).
I read blogs on how to prepare for the transition and they suggested things like start work midweek or take something of baby’s and give something of yours to baby to make the transition easier.
The Emotional Reality of Postpartum
Babies will feel your absence and you will feel theirs. Literally and very recently one body, when you are away from your baby, it will feel like part of you is missing. Trust me, I felt that way and it’s understandable. In fact, when my daughter was two months old, my husband wanted to go out and see a movie for Valentine’s Day. I felt distraught and anxious being away from my daughter for that long. I felt like I had a left a limb at home without which I could not function.
When I was in the back office, I remember my thoughtful colleagues welcoming me back and congratulating me and I resented their excitement for my return. Don’t they know how upset I am to leave her? Even if you are excited to return to work and be with adults and use your creativity, you will still miss your child. It’s okay to be excited to go back to work postpartum, too!
They didn’t and that was okay. I cried every Sunday night for the first month (and a few more times in between) as I prepared for the week ahead and not seeing her for so many hours a day. It was a joke in the house when my husband come to the room and find me nursing and crying, he would say “oh, it must be Sunday!”.
Breast pumping was another challenge and I agonized over the little I was producing being away from my daughter. Sleepless nights, long commutes; it was all hard and the guilt was every present.
Daycare Success
Eventually, she was going to daycare and on a new schedule and she was doing great. We opted for a small daycare – even if it didn’t have the bells and whistles of apps and cameras- to provide a homely atmosphere, home cooked vegetarian meals, a yard, and a small enough group to limit the number of germs entering the home. This was a great decision and one we repeated for our second child.
In no time, our daughter was doing great and happy and thriving. I even started relishing the work from home Fridays to get errands and chores done before picking her up. I do remember one time though, when the ladies at the daycare said she called them “mama”. You can imagine the grief and guilt that washed over me on our walk home. My daughter knew I was her mother and to fear otherwise was not rational but understandable.
Neither me, nor my sisters, nor any of my six nieces and nephews were ever placed in daycare. My mom was there for all of them so it wasn’t necessary. My family agonized over my girls being in daycare, being raised by strangers outside of the comforts of home. It has been an adjustment and while no solution is ideal, I know that my girls were and are being cared for by loving women; they’re learning social skills; they’re building immunity; and they’re getting on a healthy routine.
Yes, I still feel guilty sometimes for my two year old being in daycare but it’s gotten easier with time and more children. 😊
Here are my tips for surviving the postpartum transition:
1. Compassion: First and foremost, have compassion towards yourself and your baby. Postpartum is a big transition, but it will be good for you both of you knowing that children are not meant to be raised by just their parents and gain a lot from being with other kiddos.
2. Time It: The absurdity of the lack of maternity leave and paid maternity leave in this country doesn’t need to be further expressed but do everything you can to get as much as you can and then some. It matters. Ideally, you would have six to nine months postpartum but we know that is highly unlikely in America. For us, waiting until baby was eating solids was a good idea to take some pressure off of pumping.
3. Schedule It: Plan to return to the office on a Wednesday or Thursday as a trial run for you and baby. It will make it easier to start with a 2- or 3-day week knowing you will be together again soon.
4. Feeding: The journey of pumping is not an easy one. Remembering all the parts, making sure all the parts are clean, transferring pumped milk right away, not spilling any, making time in between meetings, FINDING a place to pump that is safe and clean is an undertaking. It’s all a tireless and stressful task but we do it. Have a Sunday night checklist for the items and try to use the pumping time for a true break or to look at pictures and videos of your baby. {It will help with the output too}
5. Educate: Educate the daycare provider, which I know you’ve thoroughly researched, with everything they need to know about your little one. Also, send his or her favorite lovie (or backup lovie) with them and make sure it smells like you too. My daughters still take their lovies to daycare and school.
6. Prepare: Of course, prepare the clothes, bottles, pacis, etc. that baby will need for the week every Sunday. This will avoid a panic moment when you get to work Monday morning.
7. Flexibility: Ask for flexibility those early months like working from home, which is more the norm now post covid. If you already work from home, ask the caretaker if you can pop in time to time. Try to have a flex schedule, if that works for you, so you can work a limited number of hours during the day and then finish work at night.
8. Investigate: Always be vigilant about who is with your baby during the day by asking questions and observing their physical body and emotional behavior when they get home. My provider did have two employees in the six years who were problematic and she removed them right away. If your kiddos cries with a certain provider, that can be a red flag.
9. Voice Your Priorities: It was important for us that the provider only gave our daughters vegetarian food, used cloth diapers, and potty trained early. They were open to all and happily obliged. Aside from a clean, safe environment with minimal screen time and lots of outdoor time, these were priorities for us.
10. Expect Mama Drama: What’s that you ask? Imagine you get to daycare excited to see your baby and they too are happy to see you. The providers say she had a great day. Wonderful, you think. Then, you get her in her carseat to go home and she starts screaming and crying and continues that way. You think it’s you because they said she had a great day, didn’t they? This is known as restraint collapse or mama drama. Babies, infants, toddlers, even older kids hold it in all day, essentially put on a show, because they know it’s not completely safe to be themselves expressing all their emotions. So, when they are back home with their loving parents and siblings, they let it rip. It’s normal. It’s healthy. And it’s not personal. In fact, it’s an indication of their healthy attachment to you and feelings of safety and security. If your kiddos cry after pick up, you’re doing a great job! Here are some tips on how to cope.
11. Reciprocate: Finally, take care of the people who care for your babies during holidays, anniversaries, etc. Offer gently used items to them and of course be grateful and kind. They will be sure to treat yours as their own. Advocating for fair pay for daycare staff is another issue that deserves national attention. Daycare costs are astronomical and yet workers are not paid well. Public support is needed.
Working from Home
In a post pandemic world, with many mothers working from home, the postpartum transition is a little different. My younger daughter was born in the middle of the pandemic, so I was able to stay with her and work from home for the first few months. She was easy, for the most part, and I thought I could continue in that way. Besides, we would save a lot of money. But, as work picked up, and she needed more interaction and attention, I realized it was not sustainable. She started daycare at seven months, which somehow was easier than my older daughter who had started at nine months. This may be because separation anxiety becomes more pronounced at nine months. In the two years she has been going there, I can count on one hand the number of times she has cried during drop off. She has also been subjected to fewer germs than the bigger and more expensive centers. Aside: The one challenge to expect though is the transition from daycare to pre-K.
The Importance of Postpartum Routines
No matter where you are working from, having a routine will be key. It will help reduce stress for the family and help baby feel confident in what to expect. Postpartum routines will obvious vary based on schedules and lifestyle. Routines offer predictability and control in a situation that is inherently neither of those. Baby massage is a key ingredient to add to a daily routine for bonding, reconnection, and building confidence, not to mention better health outcomes. The benefits extend to either parent and will be something to look forward to for parents and baby.
Whether you’re going into the office or working from home, taking some time to prepare weekly will help you and baby in the time you’re apart and accepting your feelings of sadness or guilt as valid will go a long way too. Also, do what’s right for you. You may choose to not return to work. You may find your baby’s temperament does better with a nanny. Each child and family situation is different and there are no wrong choices, mama. You got this!
