As if there were not enough issues in the world to turn us against one another, here’s a hot one. Well, it’s a hot topic but most of stay silent in the debate. Why? Because like many polarizing issues, most of us don’t fall into the extremes. We’re in the middle, seeing, feeling, experiencing both sides and agreeing and disagreeing with both. Who we typically hear from are those who are passionately hugging the ends of the spectrums.
What’s the Debate?
If you sleep train your baby, you will damage your relationship with your child. It will negatively impact their sense of confidence and safety. It neglects critical values of nurture and attachment.
If you don’t sleep train your baby, you will create unhealthy dependency and you will never sleep again. Let’s be real, most parents of the current generation don’t buy into this. That was unfortunately what white male doctors advised parents in the early to mid-1900’s and it was wrong and damaging. You cannot spoil a baby especially by holding them. Any reasonable human being knows that babies need nurturance and attachment.
The primary argument on the other side is that we can’t function without sleep for many weeks and months. In fact, this study shows that parents won’t sleep for the first six years of babies life.
The Reality for Parents
Parents who choose to sleep train their babies do so when they are at the end of their rope. It is at a time when they have not slept more than a handful of hours in weeks or months. The lack of sleep is likely affecting their physical, emotional, and mental health. It is affecting their ability to parent, to be in relationship with others, and to safely operate heavy machinery. No parent wants to let their precious child cry when our innate human nature is telling us to go to our babies.
There is a gray area in the sleep training debate. There is complexity in many issues, but the debate fails to acknowledge the real problem. Mothers and fathers and families are parenting in isolation, without community support. Yet, they are still carrying all the roles and responsibilities that were shared by entire villages. As a mother in America in the 21st century, you are the chef, the cook, the teacher, the spiritual guide, the coach, the driver, the social coordinator, the party planner, the washing machine, the dishwasher etc.. You’re expected to work, pay bills, run businesses, and get back to your life shortly after having a baby. And you’re doing all of this with as little as 2-4 hours of sleep a night on average. This is a recipe for disaster and disaster is what we have in America in terms of pregnancy, birth, and postpartum care. We have astronomical rates of postpartum anxiety and depression to show for it.
Parenting in America is about absolutes and about polarities. There is an over emphasis on the individual family and their responsibilities and an under emphasis on the society that is intended to support the family. This here is the crux of the problem. Did you know in the most traditional societies, there are at least eight adults are caring for the children?!
My Experience with Two Babies
Listen, I’ve been in the throes of this debate (and others) twice. I have two beautiful and spirited children, one who was professionally sleep trained and one who was not trained by us. Both happened when we were at our wits end. There are pros and cons to each approach. Who doesn’t want to come to their baby when they’re crying to love and nurture them? Who doesn’t love the feeling of a baby cuddled on you sleeping peacefully? Most parents are loving and nurturing and will do anything for their babies. Even so, their desire to sleep and have their babies and sleep is vilified.
If we had the luxury of other adults helping us during the day, staying up all night would be possible. The reality for most parents, after the babies are asleep, is that they go to meal prep or clean up from the day, answer emails, pay bills, catch up with family, work on their business, wash clothes, cleans bottles, fold laundry etc. So, baby sleeping at a reasonable and regular time is critical.
I didn’t have a bedtime necessarily and many children in other parts of the world sleep when their parents sleep. But this cannot be observed in a vacuum without considering American lifestyle.
When We Realized Something Had to Change
I remember the nurses at the hospital yelling at us when we fell asleep with my first born on us. I understand the risk for the baby and the liability for the hospital, but I felt it was unreasonable. She needed to be close to us. She needed to be held.
In her first month, the pediatrician advised us to sleep train her when she was just a few weeks old. I was shocked and could not bring myself to do it. My husband took it over since it was what the doctor recommended. He regrets that decision to this day. She was entirely too young. My mother even intervened. We thought we were supposed to listen to the doctor. So, I’ve learned since to follow my intuition and not just defer to doctors.
Both my girls were in a bassinet in our room until they were six months old, at which point they went into a crib in a room next to us. When they woke at night to feed or cuddle, I usually plopped them in my bed out of shear fatigue and the desire to snuggle even though co-sleeping was discouraged (Parents around the world safely co-sleep mind you.)
My first daughter, who was exclusively breastfed would wake up regularly throughout the night wanting to nurse. “Of course”, my husband once said in response to my exasperation. “It’s like someone is sitting next to you all night with a box of hot pizza under your nose”. Fair enough. The smell of mom and the imminent flow of that liquid gold would entice her out of her deep slumber and promptly onto me.
Why We Made the Choice We Did
Fast forward to when she turned one, I was so sleep deprived. I was sleeping in two-hour increments for months. We decided to sleep train her. It was not a fun process. Even those couple of minutes of her crying were heartbreaking. However, it didn’t take her long to adjust. The problem was on our part. We were not consistent. When she cried, we resorted to sleeping next to her crib, sleeping right outside the door, holding her hand, singing to her etc. We tried everything to get her to fall asleep not knowing that when she transitioned to the next sleep cycle, she would awake expecting exactly what she saw, heard, or felt when she fell asleep.
They call this a sleep crutch, and we should’ve consulted with someone at the time. For example, if he or she falls asleep with a bottle in their mouth, when the sleep cycles changes in 2-3 hours, they’ll wake looking for the bottle and may not fall back asleep until they have it. After one the sleep crutch became the pacifier. Any time it would fall out of her mouth, she would wake up and cry. That lasted until she was two.
Fast forward, five years later, we were pregnant with our second baby. We had learned how valuable services are in postpartum. We vowed to get professional sleep support this time around now that we had learned so much. I had made many connections through my business, where I came to learn more about sleep coaching/sleep training/sleep shaping and it removed the judgement around the issue. I learned about healthy sleep habits and the variety of options we have as parents to help our kiddos sleep.
The Difference It Made
My second daughter was an excellent sleeper until she turned six months old. I thought we wouldn’t need sleep training. Once she started solids, things changed. She decided she would consume solids during the day and liquids at night..Every.Two.Hours. You see, we were feeding her to sleep so when the sleep cycle changed, she would awaken expecting a bottle in her mouth.
This went on for several months until I was losing it, which is usually when people seek sleep support. Most families seek the support of a sleep coach when they are at the end of their rope. That means they are no longer able to care for other kids and do all things mentioned previously in a healthy and safe way. Sleep deprivation is after all a form of torture that new parents know all too well.
Most of us know to expect sleep deprivation the first days and weeks of baby’s life but when you get into months, it feels like a slow death.
When she turned nine months, we started working with a sleep coach who showed us the error of our ways. Our daughter had her schedule reversed. She was not taking enough of my pumped milk during the day and it was affecting her sleep and her growth. Sleeplessness doesn’t just affect mom; it affects baby too, which is why it’s not just about the parents.
I don’t do well on 2-3 hours of sleep for days and days on end. Most people don’t but the critics expect you to accept that as a new parent. Once we sleep trained her, she was eating and drinking better during the day and sleeping better through the night.
Final Thoughts
I am an infant massage instructor and wholeheartedly believe in the power of love, nurture, and attachment. I know what happens when we don’t have those things in our lives. Simultaneously, I believe it is unreasonable and downright irresponsible to ask moms to go on without sleeping for weeks and months, as I had been doing. It is a recipe for postpartum depression and anxiety, which of course is rampant in America.
Again, the problem is not whether we support our children in sleeping more deeply and longer. It is that we have to do all that society expects of us without sleeping and we are demonized for getting that help.
I would love to have spent the first-year bonding, nurturing, cuddling my babies as fortunate moms are able to do in Canada and Europe but I birthed my babies in America. I had to return to work and pump and parent in isolation. In spite of the sleep struggles, both my girls have healthy attachment to me.
If you want sleep support, consider waiting until baby is at least four months old. If you choose not to sleep train, that is also great. You do you, mama!
So, please reserve your judgement of me or any other mama who chooses to coach their baby’s sleep. Before you do, consider what kind of life and lifestyle a mom would need to be able to let their babies sleep with them all night and wake up as many times as they pleased. Perhaps one where eight adults are helping her out during the day?…
If you’re looking for sleep support, we partnered with Rock-A-Bye-Baby to offer families a massage + baby bundle. If you’re looking for a certified pediatric sleep consultant, who tailors to the needs and interests of your family, check out this list of my recommendations.
