I want to share one of the best decisions we made in those first few months after our baby girl was born. We were reluctant and, at times, wanted to throw in the towel, but, in hindsight, we’re so glad we listened to my mom on this one.
Practiced in India
In many parts of India, after a baby is born, the mother and child will not leave the home or have visitors for the first 100 days. Only immediate family can visit. We adopted this practice, which many people in our spiritual community practice as well. This was hard for some friends and relatives and for us. We so needed the social interaction and a break from the grueling time of caring for a newborn. My mom stayed with us for six months to help with the baby. This was key.
Doctors visits were expected so that was still on the table. Otherwise, our friends didn’t meet our precious daughter until she was almost four months old. And we’re so glad. As the mom, my job was to focus on taking care of my daughter while my husband and mother helped take care of us. I didn’t have to worry about hosting anyone, asking people to come or leave at certain times, getting dressed or entertaining. I could help my body recover from an unwanted c-section and the disappointment of that, I could deal with the struggles that come with breastfeeding, and bond with my daughter without distraction.
Settling Into It
My husband and I realized that we would never again, for the rest of our lives, have our daughter to ourselves. As time passed, we settled into our decision. When needed, I made exciting trips to the post office or grocery store for more stimulation. One or two times, my mom watched her while my husband and I went on a date night.
At month four, we hosted friends and family every weekend and boy was that exhausting. Once we got over the protectiveness and not wanting to share her, we were coordinating schedules, buying groceries, preparing meals for guests, and working around her schedule. We realized what a blessing those 100 days were.
But, Why?
I believe this tradition came about for several reasons. At the basic level, it was to protect baby’s immunity and from all the germs we carry day to day. Even more importantly, I think it is to protect baby’s heart and mind from the negative energy that we pick up or some individual’s carry. Imagine exposing a newborn to all the sights, sounds, and smells of the world when they’re still adjusting to the world around them.
Newborns are like sponges taking in everything, which is why taking them to public places like restaurants and theatres is not advised, especially in that first month.
The Impact
Our daughter is a total firecracker and can very much be a toddler at times. However, overall, she is astute, compassionate and we believe those first months had a lot to do with her nature that is void of anxiety and fear. People often comment at how her communication and understanding is as if she is much older than she is.
All of my nieces and nephews also enjoyed this initial period of hibernation, and I can attest to their similar natures. I’ve suggested this to friends who refused to try it. They were hesitant because of the number of relatives in the area or their need for social interaction. I get it, trust me. However, when hearing from them after that 4th trimester, each of them has shared how they regretted not doing the same. They recall running up to their room and crying because they just needed a break, and the house was filled with loving but needy guests. This was even worse for those who didn’t have parents staying with them to help. I hurt for them and how they were robbed of the ability to recover and heal at their pace. Don’t get me started at the inadequate time a mother and/or father get with their babies and to recover before having to go back to work.
How It Can Work for You
I completely understand why this practice came to be and know that many other cultures worldwide follow similar traditions. I will, without hesitation, repeat this with children in the future. Even if 90 or 100 days is more than you can do, try 30 or 60 as time for you and baby. It will be precious time to bond, get to know one another, and figure a lot of things out. Set the expectations during pregnancy. Talk to your partner and communicate this to extended families. Determine who is in that inner circle without feeling guilt and determine how long you want to self-quarantine. Trust me, you nor your baby will regret it.
Caveat: Parenting is not a solo sport. If you are, in fact, isolated after birth and don’t have a parent or partner around, this may not be for you. Isolating yourself with baby all day every day can be a recipe for disaster. Lack of eating and sleeping coupled with recovering can lead to postpartum depression and anxiety. A workaround is to have help with your baby at home, even if it’s hired help, while you go out.
Update: With my second daughter, born five years, we followed the same practice. I remember enjoying so much time massaging her and cuddling her. She never latched so I spent a lot of time pumping as well. I’m glad I could do that without entertaining or coordinating logistics.
