Imagine this. You wake up in the morning and there is someone around to cook breakfast for your kiddos and help them get ready for school. Then, someone else takes them to school and picks them up. Someone shares extracurricular activities with them after school, helps make dinner, helps with homework and chores, and so on. You have 8-10 loving, caring adults helping to raise your newborn and children every. single. day. This is what it’s like when partnering with community to raise newborn and children.
We Say It All the Time
For years, we’ve been saying and hearing “it takes a village to raise a child” and, for those who have kids, many of us believe it 100%. If we’re lucky, we have had mom friends, relatives, even neighbors help us out in motherhood at some point or another. Even the most capable, introverted, isolated families, realize that they cannot do it on their own. I see posts all the time about mom guilt and mom fail and moms being overwhelmed. I believe they are not failing; their society has failed them. Having a community of support doesn’t imply that you’re incapable or weak or needy in any way. Raising children was never meant to be done by two people and it can’t be done effectively.
Alloparenting, defined as care provided by individuals other than parents, is a universal behavior among humans that has shaped our evolutionary history. Communities and villages have been raising children collectively for many generations around the world. In many parts of the world, they still do. Given the outcomes we have in America in every possible category, we have enough evidence that having two people parent is not enough. We still need allo parenting and it’s relevant in modern day society.
The Research About Partnering with Community
In a recent study, Anthropologist Nikhil Chaudhary, observed a community in a Congolese village to see if kids really were raised by the village. He found on a given day, the child interacted with at least sixteen adults and had eight primary caregivers. Let that sink in for a moment. Eights adults were helping nurture and teach and care for your child in a day. I’ve heard critics say that they don’t trust other adults to parents as they do. Maybe but perhaps that too is part of the problem. We cannot be well versed and capable in nurturing every aspect of a human’s development. We may be a great cook but not spiritually inclined. Or we may know about ways to stay healthy but can’t tell our child about household chores.
Reading all the books and listening to all the podcasts still do not make us amazing or perfect parents. We are doing the best we can. Even if we are strong parents who have addressed our own trauma and triggers, other adults, kids, and media influence our children when they leave the house.
What does that mean for the responsibilities of parents in America to work, cook, clean, drive, educate, mentor, for the kids in their home? Well, very simply, it doesn’t fall on two people alone. Would I be a better, more present mom if I my daily responsibilities were fewer? Absolutely. Would I feel less guilt for working or doing chores? Yes! Would my kids be learning from various family and community members, so I didn’t have to know everything or have all the answers. You got it! Would I be blamed less for my parenting choice and for my children’s failures and inadequacies. For sure!
“The narrative around motherhood, ironically, often has sort of evolutionary and biological tones to it … women have this maternal instinct and just know how to look after a baby,” he said. “It could not be further from the truth in terms of how much of a cooperative venture child-rearing is (among the Mbendjele) and how much support mums have.”
My Reality in America
I live in America and, unfortunately, don’t have a community supporting me daily. I think about it every day. Of course, I have friends that help and mom friends that look out for me and other service providers too. However, they have their own busy lives and responsibilities and cannot offer me to level of support that is needed to parent effectively. When I teach infant massage and talk to expecting and new moms, I’ve found community is what they need and crave the most. Survey after survey confirms this. Moms are parenting in isolation, deferring to google or doctors for opinions on everything from potty training and rashes to discipline and teaching a new skill.
There is a loneliness epidemic in America. Moms are burned out, overwhelmed, and always feeling like they’re lacking. Some mothers resort to wine or pain meds or anything to help them cope in a society that has left them behind. Others run themselves into the ground until stress related diseases catch up with them.
Many moms get feedback from mom groups and Facebooks groups (closest thing to community) because mamas who are going through the same situation can provide so much support. They pay for services by expert providers that they may have received from a mom, aunt, uncle, or neighbor. See my post on Building a Dream Team. We have to build a community that will be paid and on demand and not just readily available.
When I go home to visit my parents and my sisters and their families or when I visit my cousins and their families, though, my kids are playing with someone at all the times all day. Someone will feed them, make sure they are groomed, take their help in household chores, teach them a new skill. It’s amazing and something I cherish. When I’m in those situations, I feel taken care of.
How I Experience Community in India
The culture of India is very similar to the African communities mentioned though that is changing as the country becomes from westernized. It is very common that extended family members and neighbors help with everything from caring for your child to sharing food and resources. Even in the poorest communities, you will find this sense of generosity. Unlike in America, there is a profound understanding of the interdependence of community and the need to give and receive.
On a recent trip to India, my girls first visit, I was reminded of the power of community almost on a daily basis. One neighbor would drop food by, another would drop vegetables or fruit. One relative would come by to take the girls on a scooter ride or with them to the temple. People embrace you so fully whether they’ve known you for years or have just met you. We have been to jewelry stores where the owner would be okay with us coming by later to pay for what we purchased. Or, if we had a lot of bags from shopping, staff would offer to drop them off at our house.
The blind faith and trust in humanity is always surprising to me given how we live in America and it’s so refreshing. Biological anthroologist Emily Emmott describes western culture as an evolutionary mismatch. “On the one hand, we’re often expected to take care of babies on our own, but humans have evolved to care for babies in another way- that is with lots of help.” When you’re in India, you don’t feel alone.
Strangers Care for My Girls
One incident on this trip, in particular, stood out even more. We were at a jewelry store and had been there for several hours. The girls were getting ancy. There was no shortage of staff or patrons to entertain them or offer them a treat. We had brought lunch for them from home and the staff suggested I go to their staff dining hall to feed the girls. When we got there, staff members offered the fresh food made for them. There was literally a chef in the back making their lunch. Never did I feel like my girls were a nuisance or a problem. Then, the kicker.
My seven-year-old at the time had to pick out earrings. She wanted ones that were beautiful but too big for her ears. Me, my mom and the staff were trying to encourage her to pick out smaller ones. However, we couldn’t change the mind of my strong-willed daughter. At some point, she broke down into tears because she wanted the earrings she had picked out. In seconds, the staff were there consoling her and persuading us to let her have the earrings. The compassion and love for my girls that came from complete strangers moved me. It’s hard to feel alone or lonely in India.
The Drawbacks of Community
I know there are downsides to this level of intimacy and community such as people being in your business or influencing your decisions. In my experience, the pros definitely outweigh the cons. Why am I so confident? High rates of maternal suicide, postpartum depression and anxiety, broken marriages, bullying, school violence, spiritually bankrupt communities, fast food, obesity, stress, overworking, nursing homes, families choosing between work and caring for children, lack of childcare, teen suicide, need I go on?
We absolutely cannot underestimate the power of partnering with community to raise newborn and children. Children need the loving care of adults who are not their parents. Parents cannot be all the things to the child. It is literally impossible and many of the problems of modern-day society stem from the expectations, pressures, and responsibilities placed on the individual family unit. So, yes I may not like how every adult in their life interacts with my kiddos. But how much better are they doing with just two parents doing the caretaking? We get a few hours together a day running around like crazy just trying to survive every day. I, for one, don’t want to just survive until my final days.
Like most mothers in America, I have worked hard, spent time commuting and spending all our money on childcare and wishing I had more time with my kids and more money to afford more in an expensive part of the country and more time to enjoy our privileges. I felt guilty about not making nutritious homemade meals and having an impeccable home and well-disciplined kiddos. I wanted to see my friends and keep in touch better but was busy and knew everyone else was too. It’s not how I want to live.
What is Possible When Partnering with Community?
In America, we have high rates of postpartum depression, maternal suicide, high c-section rates, pregnant women taking medication for depression, mom guilt, and mom blame. We have names for every style of parenting possible from attachment to helicopter to gentle to eggshell. We point fingers and judge and debate the pros and cons of co-sleeping, potty training early, sleep training, etc. My goodness! Do you know people in other countries have never even heard of potty training or sleep training?! We are quick to criticize and blame moms and remind them of the joys of parenting while, at the same time, provide no support, resources, community to do all that parenting requires.
Listen, life in other countries is not perfect for pregnant and new moms and there is a level of letting go that in inherent in allo parenting, but I have to imagine that if we felt more tangible and intangible support from other adults in our life, it would make a world of difference.
When talking to mothers in these cooperative communities, we are shocked to learn that they don’t experiences stress. Can you imagine? How much better would we, as parents, and our children do if the responsibility of raising our next generation was shared among more people? How would that impact outcomes? Can American society be structured so that it places more value on the community than the individual? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Recent Learnings
It should not come by surprise that these two well-known sayings “The Child Who is Not Embraced by the Village Will Burn it Down to Feel its Warmth or the infamous “It takes a village to raise a child” originate from African proverbs. If you’re interested in more on this topic, check out the links below.
Isolated community in Africa may be able to teach about child care | CNN
Alloparenting: Humans weren’t mean to parent alone, experts say | CNN
Is Alloparenting The Secret To Loving Motherhood? | HuffPost Life
